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In Science
It is my understanding that a major research institution (that will remain nameless)
has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively
named, "Governmentium."
Governmentium is said to have 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces
called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles, called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected
quite easily, as it impedes all reactions to every element with which it comes into contact. By way of example, a minuscule
amount of governmentium causes a reaction with any other element to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally be
expected to take less than 1 second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years. It does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization during which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In
fact, Governmentium's mass is actually found to increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become
neutrons, thus forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the
Critical Morass.
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The Americans With No Abilities Act
WHEREAS as many as half or more of Americans, as with others in most other parts of the world,
are found to be lacking even the most rudimentary skills required for reasonable function or intelligent understanding, and...
WHEREAS the government has always tried to enable the dysfunctional, no matter how disruptive
and unproductive they might be,...
IT WAS DECIDED, in cooperation with "Densa," the antithesis of "Mensa," that Congress would
empower this act, which it has done, enabling the inept, as described herein, to be awarded positions in government and in
the private sector that are created to provide the illusion that they have meaningful purpose.
POSITIONS THUS OBTAINED include postal zip code identifiers who are geographically challenged,
telephone customer service representatives who have speech impediments, waiters, clerks and other sales personnel who are
borderline catatonics, and lawyers who are thus perfectly matched to an equally dysfunctional legal system.
IT IS THE CONTENTION OF THIS ACT to emulate the sterling example that has already been so graphically
set by the vast majority of our elective positions in government which obviously have engaged large numbers of the mentally
retarded.
THUS WE MOVE BRAVELY FORWARD to a new world of bumblement and convolution beyond imagination.
Welcome to tomorrow.
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The European Terror Alert Levels
IN BRITAIN. The British are feeling the pinch from recent terrorist threats
and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." The way things are going, the security level may
again be raised — all the way to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been recently re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning was during the great fire of 1666.
IN FRANCE. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate."
The higher level was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s
white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
IN ITALY. The Italian government has also increased the alert level from
"Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and
"Change Sides."
IN GERMANY. The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
IN SPAIN. The Spanish have taken more serious steps to deal with the threat.
They now have a new fleet of submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed boats have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
Navy can get a really good look at the Old Spanish Navy.
IN THE REST OF EUROPE. In the Netherlands, the government has ordered that
all the bulbs in the Red Light Districts be dimmed to confuse the enemy. In Liechtenstein, the spelling of the name of the
country has been simplified so that what ever happens, they’ll at least get their name spelled right. In Poland, they
have only two levels to be concerned with: "Asleep" and "Somewhat Awake." In Switzerland, everyone just hid their cheese and
watches and went on vacation.
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"You know who I feel sorry for? Arab Americans
who truly want to get into crop dusting."
--- Comedian Brian Regan
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How Things REALLY Are
A fellow was walking down the street and was hit
by a truck and died. But that's not the end of the story. That's just the beginning.
His spirit was swooped up and deposited before
a spiritual concierge who informed him that he would be given a day in heaven and a day in hell, so he could decide for himself
where he wanted to go for the rest of eternity.
His day in heaven was a happy, peaceful time among
contented souls. And then he spent a day in hell and discovered it to be a place of fun and games and endless parties.
Back before the spiritual concierge, he was asked
to make his choice. He said he was surprised to find that hell seemed to be even more wonderful than heaven,.... so
he chose hell.
Down, down he went and when he got there, he found
it was now a barren wasteland of fire and brimstone. He crawled over to the devil and asked what had happened --- when
he visited yesterday, it was absolutely wonderful. Now it's, well it's really hell.
"Well of course," the devil replied, with a twinkle
in his eye. "Yesterday we were just campaigning. Now you have voted and so here you are."
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